Since the age of five, I've spent every August in a school building as either a student, teacher, counselor, or professional learning specialist. I used to think that was a bad thing, but I've grown to appreciate it as a part of who I am. Education, relationships, and leadership have been my life's work as well as a part of my identity. My father, a Baptist minister, and my mother, a first-grade teacher, instilled in me the importance of a good education and being a contributing member of society. My deceased mother was a retired elementary educator with 36 years of service. To avoid conflicts in the workplace, I attended every elementary school on the western side of Henry County, Virginia to avoid her school. She wanted it that way. Maybe, I wasn't the most pleasant child to work with. Nonetheless, exposed to a variety of school cultures and populations, I adapted to many different school environments.
As a heterosexual, middle class, African American male, my experiences varied from racism and discrimination to favoritism and admiration. In most cases, I found myself adapting for survival. It wasn't until early adulthood that I fully understood how difficult school survival was and just how critical interpersonal skills and relationship management are. I recognized not only were these things at play for students, but also for adults. Somehow, I thought it would be easier as an adult. But I found the skills needed as students to navigate the "playground" are the same skills needed for teachers to maneuver the workplace.
I often dreamt of writing a book entitled "We Work In a Middle School, We're Not In Middle School." For now, I'll settle with this blog post. The same behaviors we as adults detest in classrooms are the same behaviors we engage in and model in the hallways and staff meetings. Catfighting, backbiting, cliques, and exclusion are alive and well in our adult interactions.
My current role as a Professional Learning Specialist has allowed me to grow in areas I support such as effective learning communities, effective communication, and courageous conversations around race and equity. We must be an example for others and our students. This blog entry is not a "holier than thou" sermon, and I'm not where I ultimately want to be professionally, but thank goodness I'm not where I used to be. Here are a few takeaways from my growth in the areas of navigating conflict, courageous conversations, and keeping the lines of communication open.
Navigating Conflict
Conflict isn't a bad word, and it's necessary for community. Conflict can improve team effectiveness. Imagine a world where we all thought the same thing and had the same preferences. Not only is it boring, but there's no growth in tossing around the same ideas. Conflict is an opportunity for something better to be produced.
In the work of Adaptive Schools by Thinking Collaborative, Cognitive Conflict focuses on substantive, issue-related differences of opinion. Cognitive Conflict can produce increased understanding, better decisions, and an increased level of commitment. Affective Conflict focuses on individuals and is personalized, ultimately resulting in decreased commitment and poorer decisions. The goal is for Conflict to be cognitive.
One way of engaging in Cognitive Conflict, as outlined by the Adaptive Schools Foundations Seminar (2014), is through the use of stems of connection. These stems connect and build on ideas already placed on the table and further engage others to continue participating in the conversation.
Stems of connections:
"Here's a related thought…"
"I hold it another way…"
"Hmmm, from another perspective…"
"An additional idea might be…"
"Taking that one step further…"
Courageous Conversations
In matters of race and equity, the Courageous Conversations Beyond Diversity work developed by Glenn Singleton and the Pacific Educational Group, Inc, outlines the Courageous Conversation Compass with the four quadrants: Thinking, Acting, Feeling, and Believing. When engaging in conversations around race and equity, we must stay centered on the compass. The most productive discussions will come from us, remaining centered. If you know you're in the "Feeling" quadrant, take a break and come back once you've gathered yourself. Most organizations operate on the right side of the compass (Thinking and Acting). If you keep functioning on the right, there's going to be problems. Be mindful of how you're showing up in conversations around race and your location on the Courageous Conversations Compass at any given moment. An excellent resource for more is "Courageous Conversations About Race" by Glenn Singleton.
Pinging (Check-ins)
The only conversations we're having with people SHOULD NOT be to offer criticism or ask for help. In the book Never Eat Alone, Keith Ferrazzi talks about the power of "pinging" or checking in with others to keep the relationship fresh and the lines of communication open. When people see you coming around the corner or view a message from you, the last thing you want them to think is, "What do they want NOW!?"
Here are a few ideas of ways you might "ping" your colleagues:
Text or call to say hello without asking for a favor
Don't text or call the day before just to set them up for a favor the next day
Stop keeping score on how many they owe you or vice versa.
No matter how busy you are, always greet the person before getting down to business.
In summary, Relationship Skills are identified by the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) as the ability to establish and maintain healthy and rewarding relationships with diverse individuals and groups. Clear communication, listening actively, cooperating, resisting inappropriate social pressure, negotiating conflict constructively, and seeking and offering help when needed are all examples of relationship skills. All of these are also closely related to Emotional Intelligence. We can't control others, and as my father often says, "We can barely control ourselves." Ultimately, we influence others by practicing what we preach and through our lives being the example. Given your commitment to improve our world for our students, how might you enhance your relationships moving forward?
Phil Echols is Senior Administrator of Professional Learning in the Wake County Public School System. You can find him on Twitter @PhilEchols.
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